Bike Types for Idiots

OK, you have decided to commute by bicycle. I see you all out there now … not because it is good for your health and environment, not because it is good for community and traffic reduction, but because the gas prices are cutting into your Pringles and Donut budget. I can respect that, my money means a lot to me too because there is so little of it.
So you want to buy the right bike. Maybe it is an upgrade from your Walmart special, maybe to replace the one you have had since junior high. Whatever the reason, this guide will help you get the right commuter between your thighs:

• Cruiser: If you bike less than a mile to work (lucky) get a cruiser with a basket. Hell you don’t even need a helmet on these as walking is faster and more dangerous.
• Geared Cruiser (and Comfort and City bikes): If your commute is 2-5 miles, and you like to go slow, this is for you. You can ride in comfort and relative style, plus the bike will be anywhere from free to $600, which is in everyone’s price range. (free as in beer as in hey my sister does not ride this thing anymore)
• Hybrid Bike: If you are pragmatic, and don’t mind looking like a total tool, a hybrid is for you. You could even go full loser tool and wear spandex on a hybrid. Good for commutes 2-15 miles, and as fast as a old horse with a plow.
• Road Bike: Do not buy a road bike. Roadies are the WWF of the cycling world – doped and dickless.
  
• Touring Bike: Good for commutes from 5 to 10,000 miles. Good if you like speed and comfort. Just a little dorky though.
• Mountain Bike: If you ride a mountain bike on the street you are a tool. Period.
• BMX Bike: Even if you are less than 12, this still a crappy option. Have your dad treat you to a real bike.
• Cyclocross: Cyclocross bikes are perfect for fast commuting. The fatter tires soak up the bumps, and they have plenty of speed. A little lacking in comfort so keep the commute under 20 miles.
• Triathalon Bike: Waste of money unless … wait for it … you are TRAINING FOR A TRIATHALON.
• Single Speed road or cyclocross bike: If your commute is short and flat, yes. Plus speed and style points. SS mountain bike? Cool, but see Mountain Bike above.
• Fixed Gear road or cyclocross bike: Speed and style points out the wazoo. But no brakes and no helmet? You will have a sad and pointless death. I will comfort your mom when you are gone.
• Recumbant: AKA bloody speedbump. Avoid.

Accessories:
Bike shorts: see Road Bike
Helmet: If you do not have a helmet I automatically assume you are a non-biker, just a pedestrian sitting on a bike. You might as well drive a Hummer, I will give you more respect for being able to afford the fuel.
Basket: Slow bikes only.
Panniers: Lame. Lavender. Strap a stuffed unicorn to your bars while you are at it.
Cable Lock: Thanks for the bike! I am repainting and reselling it!
U-lock: good during daylight hours only. At night time your bike should be bedside.
Mirrors: see panniers
Safety flag on a pole: Congratulations, you now ride the short bus of bikes!